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DoPeR's GuIDe

by Doper

Guide to Becoming a Better Doper

Welcome, come on in. Have a sit. Relax. Nobody is going to test you here. You are in the safe havens of Doper’s Guide. We don’t care why you are here.We just know you are here. Maybe you will even find some humor while here.

Yes, say it out loud, "I am a doper"
So, let’s start with basics. You are a doper. Yes, say it out loud, "I am a doper". Repeat it in front of a mirror until you can say it without cringing. Don’t move on to next step until you have mastered the first step.

So, where do you start? There are so many drugs out there...
Now you are comfortable with yourself. The next step of Doper’s Guide is "How do I dope?" The basic idea behind doping is to improve your performance on the bicycle through drugs or techniques other than the normal training and hard work. So, where do you start? There are so many drugs out there and who know what works? After all, this is your own body. You don’t want to take any chances.

Well, you are in luck. Some smart un-American union folks have already done the work for you. They tirelessly look for new drugs that can help improve your performance through better chemistry and then publish their work in great details. You probably have heard of this great union already: Union Cycliste Internationle or UCI for short.

At this point, you can pick and choose the drugs of your choice from UCI’s drug list. They are all guaranteed to improve your performance to some degree.  They are not going to list drugs because it can harm your health or mess with your mind.  UCI list is focused on performance enhancement.  UCI is so good.  Some guy named Pat McQuaid leads this monumental work of drugs list and doping techniques.  One tip, when reading the UCI drugs list, just replace any occurrence of the word "Prohibited" with words "Ace in the Hole".  For example, "Prohibited Substance" becomes "Ace in the Hole Substance".  Not sure why they continue to misuse the word, but minor detail.

The major issue with using the UCI’s drug list to becoming a happy doper is that it is very technical.  UCI is so precise in specifying the drugs that most common cyclist won’t even be able to pronounce it. For example, can you say "GLUCOCORTICOSTEROIDS"?  Furthermore, did you know that you can take this drug 4 different ways including rectally?  This technical aspect of the UCI drugs list is a major hurdle for beginning dopers. 

Of course, if you are talented enough to be part of a high budget professional teams with dedicated doctors, then you are in good hands. A good doping doctor can do magic for your cycling career. With perfect combination of drugs and comprehensive schedule, you will kick butt at precisely the right moment. Experts such as Dr. Eufemiano Fuentes can bust your career wide open.

What about rest of the armature dopers who can’t afford such expert service? Well, that’s what our Doper’s Guide is all about. Can’t afford Dr. Fuentes? We have Dr. O.K. He and other experts will try to provide easy to understand facts and instructions to becoming a successful and happy doper. It may seem bit overwhelming at start, but don’t worry. When in doubt, just go back to the basics. Stand in front of a mirror and keep repeating, "I am a doper".

Welcome to the Doper’s Guide.

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